Love Bersemi In Turkey
Weddings

He came to me ... He was someone who had just become my husband. I didn't dare to look at him, but I could feel his presence. I could also feel a sense of dislike from him towards me, a feeling that was no stranger to me. Because, I also often get it from both my parents and the people around me first.

I felt her eyes look at me for a moment.  I think he's watching me. So funny! Yeah, 'cause I don't have anything interesting to watch.

I am ugly and worthless.  He deserves better than me. Although I don't know him, but everyone deserves more than me.  I don't deserve anything.

I have nothing and will never deserve to be someone precious.  That's how I was raised, how I was taught by my parents.

"Look at me!" command me.

I looked down, not daring to look at him.  I can't. I was afraid to see his face. A face that describes how she feels about me and I'm afraid to know what she thinks of me.  Even though I already know what she's thinking, it still hurts if I see her in person.  Even though he was used to it all, it was still painful to get it from a new person.

“I said look at me!” he shouted, making me jump because I didn't expect him to scream.

The fear in me increased.  That tone of voice was just like the tone of voice my father always used for me.  I slowly looked at her and saw her face for the first time.  I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. Her facial skin is pure white, accompanied by a smooth sideburn. However, arrogance radiated from his face. Did he ask me to look at him just to show him how handsome he is, and how ugly I am?

"If you're done seeing me, I'll go. And, don't expect me to come back!" said later.

He didn't even want to wait for my answer. And after a while I heard the front door close violently.

***

This is our first wedding day.  My parents forced me to marry him without my permission. They never asked for my opinion on anything. I felt like I was a stranger in my own family, used only as a boxing ball. They don't even hesitate to kill me if I ask you something about it. I have to listen to them.  They'll beat me worse than usual if I don't listen to them. I don't want that. Never was!

I looked in the mirror and saw myself.  This wedding dress is not a dress that will make you look stunning.  It was pure white and not suitable for my dirty skin.  When I look at the girls around me who are living their happy lives, happiness is like a fairy tale to me.

I know, it's all because of myself.  It's all because I'm ugly and I deserve that kind of treatment from him. Although I believe that someday it will all end, at least that's what my grandmother said.

Both my eyes were clashing with my eyes in the mirror.  An eye with a dark half-circle under it, everyone could see it. Eyes that show that I haven't slept for a few nights.  Eyes that describe how I still hold back that fear. I want to disappear from this world. My breath is starting to get irregular.

"You're ugly!" I said while looking at my own reflection in the mirror. I repeat it again and again.

"No one will love you. Have you ever seen eyes and hair this bad?"  I said while pointing at my swollen eyes and my disheveled hair. My tears started to flow, but I didn't care.

"Even your own husband will never love you."

I can't stand myself and all those memories. Memories of how my parents taught me about me.

I saw my arms and neck which often had purple or yellowish patches.  When the bruises are gone, they will torture me again to bring back the purple patches, making me look ugly.  I squeezed my arm so that the spot disappeared but gave no results.  The color that haunts me is still there.

I shook my head.  It's time I left.  No one will miss me. 

"Even he will never love you" I said one last time, before I ran out of the house.

I don't know where I'm running but I keep running.  When I got to a bridge, I slowed my pace, I gasped.

I looked beside the bridge.  What if I jump from here?  No one will miss me.  I was even sure that Vian would throw a party.  They'll all be happy, because the world has been saved from the garbage like me.

I stepped to the edge of the bridge and looked down.  The water is dark blue and flowing.  It felt as if the water was calling me to come. A call I can't ignore, no matter what. I slowly took off my shoes and closed my eyes.  Then I went up to the side of the bridge, holding the iron of the bridge tightly.

"I guess one last breath won't hurt anyone" I said, taking a deep breath. I heard the water rumbling down there.  A voice that invited me to enter.

I closed my eyes. I heard other voices again. That was my parents voice.  They scream and curse. I could still feel the pain they gave me when they beat me. I remember when I screamed and begged them to stop.

I felt tears running down my face. I closed my eyes tighter while releasing one grip.  I was so scared of heights, I was still holding on to one of my hands. Just one more hand, and I'll be gone forever.

Forever ... Ah, sounds really good.  I will never feel pain again.  It's all gonna end. And finally, everyone will be lucky if I leave, especially Vian.  I know that she doesn't want to marry me. After all, who would want to marry me?  He could marry a girl as perfect as him if I were to leave, wouldn't he?

I loosened one of the fingers holding the iron of the bridge. The other four fingers, though, kept me alive.  Do I want to live?  No, I don't want it.  I don't even have to think about that anymore.

I loosened one more finger.  Only three more fingers will give me hell if I don't let go.  All right, one more finger .. Now there are two fingers left and I have trouble holding myself on the bridge.

'Come on, just jump! Wait what else?' It was as if I heard my mother's voice.

On the count of three, I'll drop myself.  I took a deep last breath and closed my eyes even tighter.

One ... Two ...