DOOM
A LETTER TO DAD
A young man with shaky steps headed for a large cemetery with green ceramic shades on its walls. For a moment he was silent staring at the two large marble headstones that were stuck mute in the middle of the tomb. There was no feeling that the tears she had been holding for a long time melted down her cheeks. The young man let out a long sigh, as much as he could try to hold back the sobs that seemed to be about to split his chest. Slowly he took a few steps forward and in a soft voice came the words from his mouth.
“Assalamualaikum ya waliyaallah, Nahnu insya Allahu bikum lahikuwn”
After saying that, he sat down and began to argue. After he finished praying, the young man looked up at the tombstone that was firmly planted on the cemetery.
Father.this is the forty-seventh day the father left us. And forgive me if until now sometimes I still do not believe in this disaster. I still feel like my father is still in the fields or maybe he is giving studies from village to village. Until the time when I had to be alone in my nights, I so longed for the rough shape of my father that I could hold and touch. It's not enough to just look at your shady face and your gentle smile in a mute portrait, but I want to kiss and lean my head under your sacred feet. Really dad, I haven't been able to deal with problems without dad. I'm like a dazed person who has nowhere to complain. I need a father figure who can keep me strong. Who always slipped soothing words into my head so that I became at peace. I'm like a hypocrite who still feels guilty because as long as you're alive, there's not much I've done to show my devotion to you. How many of your commandments have I not obeyed and so many sins have I committed for not obeying you. Sometimes I think, why should I laugh and look so cheerful during the day when night comes my chest is so crowded with deep regret. I deeply regret why I did not spend my time accompanying my father when he was ill. Really dad, I never let my brain think that you'd leave us that soon. I have always comforted my heart that my father's life is long and my father will soon recover from his illness. And now for the first time I feel so heavy and tormented the inner abandonment of the person I love so much.
The rainy season seems to be coming soon. The sky has always been cloudy. Last afternoon when I saw the cloudy sky, my longing for my father grew even more. Suddenly I miss the fields where Dad always spent time there. Yesterday I took the time to visit there, trying to find the traces of the soles of your feet while touring the fields, where the father took shelter while observing the surroundings and not forgetting I also practiced how the father walked with his hands behind carrying a scythe with a cloth slightly raised at the back while watching around, he said, and sometimes swinging a scythe when there is grass blocking the way. Don't forget I took the time to look at the house where me and one of my brothers were staying when we went last night in the middle of the road first. There everyone was crying to see me, just like me, they lost their father so much. They wished they could see my father through me and my brothers' faces. And where can my brothers and I see you for real other than in your portrait? Should I pray for death to come and get me so I can meet my father? And would I still be worthy to call you father if we were to be found in another realm? O Allah please place me also in maqom and drajat that can bring me to my father. I longed for the world of the Aulias that I always present in my imagination to be felt in my real world. I would love to feel the pleasure of being swept away in remembrance of You, and every second that is spoken in the beat of my heart is a tahmid and tasbih to You the Most Beautiful One.
In my prostration, I never wanted the world and its luxury clasped in my fist. I just want what I mean in my poetry and rhyme strokes to come true. As real as I imagined. I want to fly into the sky at night, join with Your guardians of remembrance and will certainly be immeasurably happy in my heart when I can be the makmum of my father in another world.
Dad, I'm sure you're listening to my prayers. And I'm sure you're seeing tears of sincerity running down my cheeks. None other than my prayer just begging that all my nature and pride while undergoing the remnants of breath in the world will be like a father who is so proud of me. Even if later I was destined to become a heavenly dweller, the first thing I would do was to find my father and vent my longing for him. I don't want a father form in the form of a heavenly inhabitant, I want your face and body to be like the body I've seen and touched in the world.
Now there is only a piece of white clothes that you often wear when you are relaxing that I can keep as a memento from your father. When I cry, the shirt will be my tear-smuggler, hoping I will feel my father's hand wiping away my tears.
Fathering....I can't imagine how to get through the growing season without a father. How can I get past the raindrops while bloating myself at the edge of the field. I would spend my own coffee enjoying a flowering plant, without the sometimes laughable noises and babbles of my father. Hah.then I realized your presence is so meaningful and meaningful.
Dad, I want to be like you. A poet, sincere and never talk about the ugliness of others. Everyone in dad's eyes is kind even if they really hate you. From someone close to you in my life I've heard at night I've pointed to dog poop in the middle of the road and said, The world is like filth and stinky dog shit, that's why I don't want to linger in this world”.
Hearing that, the mind immediately turned to another world that was missed by my father. A world that can only be achieved by sincere devotion to God. The world that my father has seen and missed, my heart longs for my father.
“Wahai who Masters the Soul. Ujudku land and will return to the land. My rude rhino is only an intermediary to obey the command to worship You. The soul will drift and try to trace back the lost step towards the house of Adam and Eve. O Nur Muhammad, was I a soul who saw the light of your chest? Am I the reincarnation of the divinely ordained souls who will be quick to inhabit Paradise? And can I taste the delicious water from your Kautsar lake? I can only pray as Abu Nawas prayed, in your Serak I cannot, in Your heaven I am not worthy. Only Your guidance will lead me to the place where the prophet David was exalted in his rhyme. Istajibly Amen.
Dad, it's getting dark. Tomorrow I will again embrace your headstone with tears and prayers for my father. Not a cry of unreality, just a cry of longing for a child who has lost a great and wonderful father. The determination in the chest will remain tightly imprinted, God willing I will try my best to be useful as father, otherwise ask God to immediately send Izrail to uproot my life. I do not want my desire to meet my father in heaven is not fulfilled because of my long life but not barokah.
“Allahumma sholli ‘ala Muhammad Tibbil Quluwbi wa dawa’iha wa ‘afiyatil ajsadi wa syifa’iha wa nuwril abshori wadhiya’iha wa ‘ala alihi wasahbihi wa sallim”.
Dad.., I'm leaving. The last devotion that my brothers and I can do is to pray for you and continue what you have left for us. The soul of the dead will always keep an eye on his family, heirs and all his relics in the world for one year, and will pray if his legacy is well taken care of by his family and children.
All your advice will be remembered all the time. When we are hit by a disaster, wisely father always told us to remain patient and smile in the face of every problem that comes. If we feel unable or reluctant to bear the mandate that you give, you always tell us to always sincerely do what is good. If anyone insults or berates us, I always say, close your eyes and ears. Make your eyes seem blind and make your ears deaf. Face all the problems and insults of people with airy chest and a smile. Praying and praying to Allah. May by the guidance of God, I and all my brethren remain united in this great trust of yours, and may there never be enmity in the worldly cause of inheritance that you leave us. Amin Allahumma Amen.