Cracks of Love
The Scream of Kaila's Heart

I dressed up beautifully because I knew today Rangga would come to my house, to see our newborn son. Maybe he'll change his mind for the sake of our children. But my hope was just a false hope, instead of Rangga looking at me with love but he did not look at me at all. Don't look at me, look at our newborn son he just doesn't want to.

It was outrageous for him, not to consider me anymore, not even his son, his flesh and blood, he would not admit. I was surprised that suddenly Blah friend when I was in college came to my house, I never told my friends that I was pregnant. Bilahpun surprised to see the baby I just gave birth to, Rangga saw Bilah come he just fell silent sitting under the floor his head was leaned against the wall. The bar didn't linger calling me, just 30 minutes ago he said goodbye.

Turns out Rangga didn't come to see me and my son who were still red, he wanted me to agree to a divorce. Furious I knew his intention, divorced me and married the actor. 

"I wouldn't go to a religious court if the reason for our divorce was because you had an affair with that old woman and were known to your boss. Then you and the old woman will lose your job as civil servants."

Rangga did not dare to be rude to me, because he was in my parents' house. After I said that, Rangga left without saying goodbye to my parents.

After Rangga left, somehow it felt like my head was filled to the brim, I heard whispering voices calling to die. Am I overburdened by my thoughts for the past 1 year? until I hallucinate? but the voice kept me heard in my ear. My brain also twisted the memories of when I was with Rangga, his indifference, his snapping, even when he hit me.

I feel like I want to scream so loud. Why should I accept all this? why me? My heart rumbles to berate the couple, swearing at them both for karma. The more I cursed the two of them, the more the voices came to me.

“You better die, people don't care about you, die you.”

Over and over again the voice ringed in my ear. Want me to eliminate these demonic voices. The longer my brain is out of sync.

My friends Lila and Vira came to see me, why did they come all of a sudden? What am I sick of? Seeing Lila my friend made me remember her arrival when Rangga also came.

I pulled Lila's hand, and then I took her to the front. I interrogated him. I don't know why I could suspect Lila when she was so nice to me. My college friend who doesn't talk much.

“Kaila, don't do that. Stop hurting yourself.” I heard my mother calling me. I don't realize what I've done.

Says my family and the people who saw me. I became a madman, I hurt myself and embarrassed myself.  I sent a short message to my male friend to marry me, what a crazy deed that embarrassed me when I realized. 

All night I hurt myself, by banging my forehead against the wall of my room, there was pain then? No, I don't feel pain. My mother screamed because I did that stupid thing. My forehead. 

My parents took me to ruqiah, I realized but when I came home my consciousness began to disappear again because I heard another rant in my ear, “Died you.died..” 

My eyes can't be closed for 1 day 1 night. My mother told me I was like an undead lying on a bed motionless and eyes glaring at the ceiling of the roof.

My family did not give up on my treatment, the next day I was in Ruqiah again. Ustadz recited the ruqiah verses, my body was hot, rolling on the ground. This hot body taste.

“Pak, take care of your child so that his mind is not empty. Bottom line 1 Pak for son Father advertising,” said ustadz.

“Sorry ustadz my son is kekeh does not want to accept divorce in a religious court, but she has been done by her husband,” said Abah.

“Yes sir, that's the problem. Father's son is too much trouble that he ponder so that the problem accumulates in his head, the weight of the sir becomes,” said Ustadz.

“Cannot be cured ustadz?” ask Abahku.

“All diseases have a cure sir, except 1 is death,” said Ustadz.

“Please Mr. ustadz pray for my son,” said Abah.

Ustadz prayed for me, and home I was given prayer water. I have to clique? heavy, it really feels heavy. People talk easy but I feel it

Since I didn't change, my parents took me to a psychiatrist. In the tall white building I was brought in, I checked. As hypnotized as I was, put suggestions into me in order to accept the reality of life. Live is mush go on, life must go on. From the results of the examination I had schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that can affect behavior, emotions, and communication. Schizophrenics can experience hallucinations, delusions, thinking disorders, and behavioral changes. Schizophrenics are 2–3 times more likely to die at a young age.

I've been taking drugs my whole life so my schizophrenia doesn't come back. It used to be a joke during college when my friends error there was a joke sentence ‘Why don't you connect? he's on again, finished the cure?’ that sentence is a cage. After the medicine, I'll be on.

Rangga is still texting me, he cursed me. You cowardly men. Hi Rangga you see later, the children I take care of will be great people and someday you will acknowledge them as your children but they will not recognize you as their father. They think his father is dead.

Since my consciousness returned, I have been following more studies, spiritual immersion so that my mind is not empty and fixated on my household problems.

I didn't take care of my divorce with my husband in the religious department, the diligent response took care of it all.

The first time when my consciousness returned, I carried my little baby, a sinless baby, a baby that his father had not acknowledged.

I asked Rangga for money to enter Cia at his new school, because I was late to enroll, the only remaining bench was a bilingual class whose entrance fee was very expensive for me, which was 15 million, Rangga transferred that much money to Cia. Indeed it is his responsibility as the father of Cia. But after he put out 15 million, there was no more transfer for the children.

I don't know where his mind is. Or the old woman who taught Rangga not to spend money on children. That snake woman has taken my husband and she wants to separate my children from her father.

Seriate

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5 Years of marriage without love

Wrongly lambered

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