The Traces of Destiny
Stringing Feelings

One morning, more than two years after the departure of his wife, Garin Antonio was standing on the back porch of his house smoking cigarettes, watch the sun slowly rise and turn the morning sky from gray to orange. In front of him lay the garden of longan belongs to Mr. Rosidin, full of branches that duck because of the fruits that grow densely in every gap.

The smoke from Garin's cigarette flew into the air, and he had to squint both his eyes because the air felt thick.

The birds began to sing merrily, their chirping sounds filling the air. A human-powered electric bicycle flashed, and the rider on it waved. Garin gave a small nod in response. It was all the energy he could muster back then.

He felt he needed a cup of coffee. With a glass of coffee, he would feel quite prepared for the day that awaited him. Take Raka to school, then rush to the office, to sit behind a strong teak table and have an elegant carving. The table became the place where he spent most of his time, leading and organizing various tasks as a Gajakarta camat.

As a camat, he must be ready to face various challenges and make the right decisions in various situations.

Responsible for its territory of control and must ensure that the government runs well for the welfare of the people of Gajakarta. This may involve taking care of development projects, addressing community issues, or addressing conflicts that may arise.

Sometimes he also had to take to the field, it included ordering the installation of eviction notices in his control area, and handling everything unexpected, such as meeting with teacher Raka later at noon for example.

Garin's busyness does not stop with the sunset. At night, it feels more solid. There are always so many things to do to keep daily life running smoothly: paying bills, shopping, cleaning, fixing things around the house. Even when Garin rarely gets a bit of free time, he feels compelled to take advantage of it immediately or will miss the opportunity.

Quick, find something to read. Quick, there are only a few minutes to relax. Close your eyes, there will be no time. That feeling was enough to make him feel tired for a while, but what could he do?

Not unable to pay someone to do all the burden of her household work, but her deal with Maudy was in the way. Maudy once said that they would take care of Raka with their own hands to avoid things that could potentially change the parenting they wanted to apply at an early age. And Garin wants to keep that promise.

He really needs a cup of coffee. Nicotine no longer had any effect, and he thought about throwing his cigarettes away, but then felt it did not matter whether he did it or not. In his mind, he was not really a smoker.

Yes, he smokes several times throughout the day, but it's not like smoking actually. He never spent a pack of cigarettes a day, nor did he smoke all his life; he started smoking after Maudy's departure, and he knew he could quit anytime if he wanted to.

Even though he felt older. And he can also feel, there was a time in college when he and his friends could start the night at eleven and keep going all night.

However, in recent years, except for when he worked late into the night, eleven o'clock was too late for him, and if he had trouble sleeping, he would rather force his way to sleep. He could not find a reason strong enough to stay up late. Fatigue has become an inseparable part of his life.

Even on nights when Raka had no nightmares [Raka had frequent nightmares since Maudy's death] Garin still woke up feeling tired. Less focus. Like moving slowly under water.

Most of the time, he associates it with the busy life he lives; but sometimes, he wonders if something more serious is wrong with him. He once read that one of the symptoms of clinical depression was "undue fatigue, for no apparent reason or cause". Of course, he had a clear reason.....

All he really needs is some quiet time in a little cottage by the beach. There, he could enjoy fishing or just relax in a soft swaying hammock while enjoying a glass of cold lemonade. Without having to face any important decisions, she could enjoy simple moments like deciding whether to wear sandals while walking on the beach, while being accompanied by a beautiful woman by her side.

It was also part of the state he felt. Solitariness. He felt exhausted and woke up in an empty bed, although the feeling still shocked him. He didn't feel it until recently. In the first year after Maudy's death, Garin couldn't even imagine loving another woman anymore.

Such an urge to forge friendships with women is lost altogether, and desire, lust, and love feel like theoretical things that have nothing to do with the real world.

Even though she went through shock and grief so intense that she cried every night, her life still felt wrong — as if she was just temporarily slipping off the right track, and he would recover on his own, so there was no reason to think too much about it. Except working hard on anything.

He feels it takes time and opportunity to find peace in solitude and perhaps find a way to fill the void in his life.

After all, things do not change after a funeral. Bills kept coming, Raka still had to be fed, and the plants also had to be watered regularly. Garin still has job responsibilities that he has to live with as a father and a state official.