The Traces of Destiny
Fight Loss
...🍃"I feel like a cat....
...I've had more than one life with you,...
...without and together,...
...detached far and near,...
...with coffee and tea, the sometimes-fitting toast is sometimes too black,...
...salt in wounds and love on lips....
...Then you ask, am I afraid of death?...
...Love, fear of the unfulfilled life."🍂...
...The chanting of the wind for the midnight wolf....
...•°💠°•...
Once, after eating too much durian, Supri Sutrisno, his best friend and deputy camat, asked him what it was like to lose a wife.
Garin responded by saying that it felt as if Maudy wasn't really leaving. It was like there was a weekend trip she had to do with a friend, and she left him in charge of Raka as she left.
Time continued to pass and the numbness he used to feel faded even more. Instead, reality becomes more and more real. Although Garin tries to move on with his life, his mind is still often turned to Maudy.
Everything, it seemed, reminded him of the woman. Especially Raka, who is getting more and more similar to her mother as she ages.
Sometimes, as Garin stood in the doorway after calming Raka down, he could see the figure of his wife in the tiny look on his son's face. She had to quickly turn around before Raka saw her tears well up.
The picture will continue to be on her mind for hours, she loves the way Maudy looks while sleeping, with her long black hair unraveling on the pillow, one of his hands was always placed on top of his head, his lips slightly opened, and his chest that rose and fell smoothly while breathing. And the smell, it was something Garin would never forget.
He also holds on to other things as a reminder about Maudy. When they were newly married, they often had lunch at Nio, a small restaurant down the street near the ABCDEFG cooperative where Maudy worked.
Honey, the place is no longer there now, changed into a Steady Soul coffee shop that is loved by young people who are just trying to get to know coffee.
At home too, he lived his life the way they always did together. Since Maudy usually goes to Farmers Market on Fridays because she says it is the day of the most discounts, Garin also goes on that day.
Because Maudy likes to grow tomatoes and chilies next to the house, Garin also grows them. Maudy is always present in everything that Garin does, being a part of his life.
One day, however, that feeling suddenly changed. Without warning, Garin felt the change happen.
While driving downtown, she found herself staring at a couple walking hand in hand on the sidewalk. And for a moment, Garin imagined himself as the man, with the woman walking by his side. Or if it wasn't him, then someone else would have loved him not only, but Raka as well.
Someone who can make her laugh, someone to share a glass of sweet iced tea and a bowl of gravy noodles, someone to hug and touch, and to whisper quietly after the lights go out.
Someone like Maudy, she thought to herself, and the shadow was soon followed by feelings of guilt and betrayal big enough for her, that she sought to banish thoughts about the young couple from her mind forever.
Or at least that was what he had expected at the time.
As the night went on, after crawling into bed, Garin felt thoughts of the young couple re-emerge.
Though feelings of guilt and betrayal still exist, they are not as strong as before. And at that moment, Garin knew that he had taken the first, albeit minor, step to finally come to terms with his loss.
She begins to accept her new reality by telling herself that she is a widower now, that it is okay for her to have these feelings, she said, and he knows that no one disagrees with him.
No one expected him to live the rest of his life alone, even in the past few months, several relatives and neighbors have come to offer names and photos of the girls or jannda as surrogate mothers for Raka, her friends have also offered to arrange some dates for Garin.
After all, she knew that Maudy must have wanted her to remarry.
They have discussed it over and over again— like most couples, they play the game "what if", and although they never expect that something bad will happen, they do, they agree that if that happens, Garin or Maudy will have to look for happiness again. It would not be good for Raka to grow up with only a single parent. It would also not be fair to the surviving spouse. However, it felt like a step too fast, even for Garin.
As the seasons of rambutan, guava and durian pass, the thought of finding someone new begins to appear more often and more intensely. Although Maudy is still present in his mind, Garin begins to seriously consider finding someone with whom he can share this life.
Especially late at night, when he was lying down Raka— helped his only son overcome the nightmare—the mind became very strong and always followed the same pattern.
From "maybe can" to "maybe will", and eventually turn into "maybe it should". However, at this point, no matter how much his desire to change that thought was, his mind was still pushed back to the possibility that "it probably won't happen".