Suddenly a Husband
Abah's Notebook

I was still weighing this book, when the first sheet opened, it was clear that Abah's hand scratches, I memorized the writing of all our family members.

Open, no. Open, no. I'm still wondering if I should read it or return it back to its original place for Abah to find when I go back to looking for it. It still feels worried because knowing to read the records of others without the permission of the owner is very disrespectful. But the curiosity is huge. In addition to wanting to know what Abah is sincere about, I also wonder if Abah keeps secrets, although it seems unlikely that people like Abah write diary-like notes.

"Aghhh, how's this?" I'm getting worried. As I walked, I considered reading it or not. When I got to the bike, I made a decision. "I will read one page, at most this is just a record of Abah's studies, as he used to do." I said. I lightly opened the final page at random.

The boy has gone. He was gone forever and I was the one who caused him to leave. Killed him. Kill my own flesh and blood! He has given everything he can do, carried out my orders without much refutation. But I've made him the unhappiest man on earth. Do I deserve to be called a father?

One paragraph of Abah's writing that I read made the heart beat. I even got cold hot. It's not a miswrite, is it? It must be about bang Sigit. Whatdoes thatmean? Bang Sigit died in an accident, right? What does this have to do with Abah crying in front of Brother's grave?

My head hurts so much, my stomach is nauseous imagining everything. I don't know why I'm so sorry to have ventured to read it. I shouldn't have been so presumptuous. Now I'm really curious. I put the book in a bag, and then I painstakingly turned on the motor, running it through the streets that were not too crowded. I've decided, I'm not going home, I'm going back to the boarding house to read all this.

***

The journey from the tomb of bang Sigit to kosan feels many times away. Maybe because my head was suddenly sick plus a nauseous stomach after reading a paragraph. But at least now I am grateful, have arrived at the boarding house safely. Still with a trembling body, after locking the door, I dropped my body on the bed.

"O Lord, what secrets will I know today?" I'm still wondering. The curiosity was already huge but there were still worries. Afraid of not being able to know all the secrets of Abah. But I don't want to miss it, either. I want to know everything. "You have to be strong, Ben. Must be strong!" I encouraged myself.

After feeling somewhat better, I started to open the notes belonging to Abah. The first page contains about Abah's notes while still single, there is a very short writing, the process when Abah wants to marry mother. All the writing here is still very normal. How does a single man feel about intervening his heart.

"It hurts!" I was so upset reading Abah's writing that began to be confident, even tend to be proud when writing how he educated mother and children. All in violent ways. I'm really sick of it.

I put that notebook down. It was very exciting to scream after reading how Abah was so satisfied with everything. Even on the next page Abah felt proud. He even felt successful in educating his wife and children despite using violence because after beating his wife and child, everything became obedient.

Something is wrong with Abah. Don't know what. I'm still looking. But never found until finally my hand stopped on the middle page. When Abah told me about bang Sigit. My brother had refused, Abah wrote, the character bang Sigit like himself when he was a child, but thanks to being beaten by his father all-out so Abah is now a fairly respected ustadz. But it's all just a mask. The Abah in our house is the cruel Abah.

I believe, Abah suffered internal injuries during his childhood because of his parents. That wound then made him very rude to us. Abah also told how he forced his will on bang Sigit which made bang Sigit depressed when he went from the house holding back anger after arguing with Abah until finally having an accident. Abah wrote down his regrets but he also mentioned doing it for my brother's good. Means there is still a side Abah considers it all natural.

I've been trying to avoid Sigit not being with that woman. But her confession that said she was pregnant with Sigit's child enraged me. I feel like I want to take the life of that child. But again Femi begged me to forgive Sigit and she let me down too. I gave them one last chance but he can't be with that woman anymore.

My forehead wrinkled. Whose woman Abah meant. What secrets are they really hiding? I was really curious but couldn't guess anything. To my knowledge, no woman has ever been close to bang Sigit. He was approached by several teenage schoolmates. As his sister, I've seen at the cheek of brothers his age letters and small gifts filled with chocolate. But the letters ended up in the trash, while the chocolate was mine and Yohana's.

p

Lastly, the entrusted is Mbak Wulan, the son of RT sir in this housing. He really likes bang Sigit. To the extent that he was willing to pray congregation every day to the mosque, came the earliest, came home the last to be able to meet with bang Sigit. But firmly bang Sigit rejected it, even had scolded Mbak Wulan until he cried and since then he never again to the mosque. All I know is reportedly, a month after that he moved to the boarding school. Graduated directly married to one of the santri there.

After that incident no one ever left me and Yohana a letter and a gift again, they seemed to realize that it would only be a futile act because bang Sigit would never reply to him. Which woman does Abah mean?